Once again I am sitting in my kitchen, beside my candle and looking out to my garden through the window. I seem to be composing morning meditations these days! Compared to my description in my previous meditation, the branches in the garden are greener now and bearing buds, although the garden is still quite bare under a grey and virtually sunless morning and there was heavy rain earlier. However, there is a welcome splash of colour under the window as the pink camellias are in full bloom again. I have put some of them in tiny vases here beside my laptop. They cheered me up last week after I returned from a short trip to Budapest, which was resplendent in winter sunshine.
Though the camellia bush blooms early every spring, it always seems as if it is newly planted, a novelty almost. And as the bush appears to be new, the blooms always excite me and even enervate me, making me feel more positive.
Spring is indeed a sign of hope in our dark world. I am writing this as the funeral of the Russian dissident Alexei Navalny is soon to take place on the outskirts of Moscow. On the BBC News website, I have seen a mourner with a bunch of vibrant red roses patiently waiting somewhere near the church behind a police cordon. How brave those mourners are. Alexei’s own courage and the courage of his wife and mother have inspired them to risk their own safety to pay their respects. It is wonderful that foreign diplomats are also in attendance to support them. I am sending my pink camellias in my thoughts as a sign of respect and hope. In the light of recent discussions about freedom of speech in the media and in Parliament, we would do well, today , to look to events in Russia and be glad of the freedoms we have in our own country.
As I also mentioned in my previous meditation, I have begun recording a podcast with a much younger friend and ex student, Ciaran. He is a photographer and before he began is degree course, he photographed ‘Neilus Aurelius’ for the icon for this blog. Please understand dear reader, that launching our podcast does not mean the demise of this blog. I intend to reach Meditation 100 at the very least! I owe it to my loyal readers who have been with me since the first one over five years ago!
I must confess that appearing in a podcast is a very different experience from writing a blog. In fact, when my friend Henry Riley (who is now a reporter on LBC Radio) helped me set up this blog, he advised me not to start a podcast or vlog (the video equivalent of a blog) instead. They are such unattractive words – blog, vlog, podcast – aren’t they? They sound like shadowy beings arising out of the murky depths in a Tolkien -like fantasy world.
He quite rightly suggested that if I appeared in a solo podcast or vlog I might end up blathering! Whether he was also making an oblique comment on my teaching style when he was in my class, I do not know, but he did tell me that there is a tendency for solo speakers in vlogs and podcasts to go off at a tangent, and also to carry on for too long. This is because vlogs and podcasts are meant to be fairly spontaneous, The alternative is to present a scripted talk of course, which has no spontaneity whatever, unless the presenter goes off-script occasionally.
So, accepting Henry’s advice, I have been quite happy writing this blog instead. I hope I haven’t blathered too much in my meditations and that they have been reasonably well- crafted. There has been a spontaneity about them to some extent. As I look at the news (like this morning) or go on my travels, or read or watch plays or movies, sometimes at the back of my mind I think ‘I must put this in my blog’ – and eventually I do.
However, Marcus Aurelius’ aim in writing his own ‘Meditations’ was to reflect on his own experiences of life and my own meditations have attempted to do the same, though not in the form of a book but as a blog for an immediate audience.
A podcast is a different animal however. It is less reflective and rather than being ‘emotions recollected in tranquility’ as the romantic poet William Wordsworth (1770 -1850) would say, it is an animated and hopefully entertaining conversation, or at least my podcast with Ciaran aims to be. And so I have found recording the first few episodes a strange experience. Indeed, I must admit to being rather nervous with a kind of stage fright (or is it microphone fright?) and unable to completely relax. And yet, several friends have told me that I sound very relaxed ‘on air’ and one went so far as to say that I have a good voice for radio. He complimented Ciaran too.
I think part of the problem is that I am sitting down with a microphone in my hand, and aside from Ciaran beside me, I am speaking to an invisible audience. This is totally different from walking around a classroom in front of a class or onstage in front of an audience that is physically present. I find it quite unnerving. And yet, I have never felt this way when writing my blog to my invisible readership. But then presenting a podcast is a type of performance and writing a blog isn’t (although I do try to entertain my readers at times!)
Also I have found the cramped space of our makeshift recording studio rather intimidating, even though it is situated in my own lounge. I suppose if we were in a real studio we would have more space and space does create a relaxed atmosphere. In my lounge, we are sitting on kitchen chairs in front of my shelves of copious dvd’s, microphones in hand with a camera on a tripod beside the sofa ahead of us. The camera is
not only recording our voices but also filming us so that Ciaran can edit a few clips to tempt TikTok devotees.
Half way though an episode the other day as I listened to Ciaran opposite me, I was reminded of those TV variety ‘spectaculars’ when I was growing up. As we sat there with our microphones in our hand we were like two star vocalists seated on stools serenading each other in a duet or medley. Then I remembered taking my father to see Tony Bennett (his favourite singer) and Lena Horne at the London Palladium many years ago. On that stage they sat on stools serenading each other too as part of the show. ‘I left my heart in San Francisco’ – or is it New Malden?
I have learnt that presenting a podcast or a radio programme for that matter is an art in itself. You are ‘on’, giving a kind of performance, even though you are pretending to engage in a relaxed and spontaneous conversation. Also you have to be ready, you have to be prepared, so that you can make your points clearly in the discussion. Ciaran and I do plan each episode before we record, but I do find myself repeating myself and adding in littler phrases like ‘you know’. Maybe I am being too self conscious or rather self- analytical ( one of my traits) about my performance. We have only completed four episodes so far, therefore it is early days and also a learning curve for both of us.
I think that part of my nervousness has been that I have been embarking on something new. I am always trepidatious about new ventures. When I direct a new play I am always nervous at first rehearsals. I remember being excited about the idea of a podcast at first but when we sat down to record a demo episode, I was very nervous.
The camera is quite intimidating. I am not playing a role but being myself in front of the camera. The camera in the room makes everything so public. This blog is public too, of course.It is out there on the web just as the podcast is. But writing this blog is like writing a letter. It seems that personal and intimate. After all, it’s not being sent to an editor for publication somewhere else.
The content of the podcast is similar to my blog as I mentioned earlier. And of course, Ciaran is making his own input too and suggesting topics to discuss. He came up with the concept and suggested it to me. The podcast is called ‘Hello Dear!’ and it is conversations between a 23 year old gay man and a 70 year old gay man. However sexuality is far from all we talk about.
Generally I have always been open but private about my sexuality, but I guess with that camera focused on me on the other side of the lounge, I have become more public. Perhaps that is the root reason for my nervousness. Well, I have gone public in my blog too now – as if most of my readers didn’t know! I am not making a big stand about it – it isn’t my style. I have never been an activist.
However I am mindful that our podcast and perhaps this blog would not be possible in Russia.
Ave atque Vale Neilus Aurelius
PS: If you are interested here is the link to the podcast: https://linktr.ee/hellodearpod
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Meditations of Neilus Aurelius 